I am depressed horribly,today more than most.I woke up that way,felt crappola and took Brianna to the dr's.I find out that Stephanie is fine,who knows what her head was at,but no doubt my mom is buying her the world.@@ (Insert eye roll) but that dont' bother me anymore.What bothers me,is my NON EXISTANCE.I f'ing hate hate hate being here near my family,as much as i love them so much,they do not in the slightest sense care about ME or reciprocate that love back at all.They have not a clue who i am,what my messes are,how I suffer.I put on a fascade,sooo how could they know.I DO put on a fascade of deep strength,and I can survive all but i can't.One thing that hurts me,and I am not stupid.i realize when you grow up,you're on your own.SO If thats how it works,it doesn't work that way for my brother.NO WAY not in the slightest.
Today,after always hearing about equality and etc...my mom tells me they are shopping for ANOTHER car for my brother!
PLUS just this FALL they bought IleANNA a brand new Nissan Altima..(cASH)
They paid 30K for my brothers HOUSE.
AND NOW they are going BACK out to buy another car for him.Yeah,I'm sick,its not soo much jelousy,as it is HURT,like a stab in the heart.I was raised this way,you see...if you are loved,this is how we love you,with material things.Pretty f'd up isn't it?I have fallen so bad in meds,etc,trying to hide my pain and i'm just a child.A baby in a womans body,who doesn't know how to cope with SHIT.I have had it,Billy I love him dearly but he doesn't understand me.He grew up a total different lifestyle.Anyways,i really don't want to go any further,but I really want to run away...leave the house,this town and the thoughts of dying,take them with me too.I would never ever do that,I love my kids and can't do that to them.its ALways about stephanie,stephanie stephanie with my mom.I guess i'm getting tired of it.it can come down to that.I tried and raised her for almost EIGHT years straight from birth to 8...only for her to get RIPPED Out of my arms,literally for NO F"ING GOOD REASON!SO Since then,things have gone DoWNhill.MOM says she did EVERYTHING she could for "STepHANIE"...but did she realize the harm??AND the harm it did to me??The running away I do from my own self??
I should write a song:( I have lyrics galore in my head.
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