Laura just left.Its so wonderful having a lifelong friend like her..Don't know what I'd do without her!:)
We had coffee,and hung out,kids were playing than she left.Billy came back from JIjitsu with Brianna and she was PSYCHED To see Ryan!So bottom line,it was a good day overall.
Its one of those days,that you want to cuddle on the couch with your baby,after reading a few emails.We watched The Gosselins..LOL..Is Lauren the ONLY 2 yr old who LOVES that show??She is bewildered,Bewitched,Be What,with that show:) SO CUTE!Laura said "put on some cartoons for the kids"..I'm like they are ON.LOL.To Lauren,The Gosselins(jon N kate plus 8) IS cartoons!No wonder that show is a hit,kids love it,adults love it!:) Even some who say they don't.i was stunned to hear LAURA never seen it in her life!Well she was interested now,after watching for a few minutes!:)
Well,I'm off to the kitchen.Billy is back downstairs,he was typical not in the mood Billy and went upstairs to hide and watch TV,until everything quieted down,aka,Ryan & Brianna & Lauren stopped running,yelling,and hiding in closets!LOL
I May be going to My sister in laws house.Its impossible to get out of here!!Crazy!
Well,my brother is gone to Florida for a Bachelor Party(why Florida??LOL).My sister in law,pregnant with Twins is here alone.I feel for her,she has to NOT like that too much!
I feel so so so sad for her Aunt.She was diagnosed with Colon Cancer.:( Prayers please,that she recovers.Ileanna said its not looking very well.:( Poor kids.She has all her grandchildren,and children still living with her.
Anyways,My kids will probably remain with me forever too.Stephanie will be back in Jersey I bet,who knows.If not we'll probably head out there eventually:)
WELL..I G2G..Lauren is calling me,saying 'MOMMY" now..not Mama:) The new thing this week!
:)
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Brianans Teeth Hurt,and paperwork....etc
Brianna needs needs needs a dentist:( my POOR baby has TWO front teeth GONE and has a ULCER in her gum I heard from the nurse yesterday at school.
DUE to the pain,she is home from school today.
Anybody know anything about this??ANY RANDOM READER?I am going to "tag" this,in hopes of answers.I know the Dentist will know(SIGH) so off to the dentist we shall be going.
I have to call first,of course.This is what I'm about to do.
I also have to Sign all the papers for the car insurance.Second thing on my list today.What is my husband doing right now?Playing in FACEBOOK!LOL..he found his marching band from wayyy back whennnn the days he was a little boy!How neat is that,so right now he is excited.Brianna is whiney.Lauren is walking around with ONE side pony tail,(one of the rare times I do her hair that way).It looks SO cute,and I'm a lil surprised it fits.When she got her hair cut,they cut a little over an inch.The beautician says it will make her hair stronger!
I miss my family.My parents.In spain there is a fire.I'm surprised I am not hearing from my mom.I really wish we had a home phone,but we dont.It would make a huge difference in hearing from her.We can't have a 200$ cell phone bill than top it off with a 50$ home phone bill.Its not going to happen.Something will have to go..and the cell phones aren't.Cell phones,at this momment is more convinient,we each have our own phone.Who would've thought days would've came to this,individual phones for individual people?Their own sleek designs and whatever!I feel like I am missing an arm,when I accidentally leave my phone behind lol!
Last.I am looking foward to Easter.:) There is also a few egghunts,and whatever going on in my town.Plus a breakfast with the bunny!!
First I have to make sure Brianna is well.
Oh Billy wants to get the TRUCK back on the insurance(NOW?AFTER ALL THE WORK I DID??)...I told him we have to have TWO cars in the insurance,why THREE?Its expensive,yanno,car insruance in NJ??lol..So I suggest leave the truck be,fix it when the red car dies.!The truck is LOW miles,and we paid LOTS of money for it.It needs MILD things done to it!:) I love that truck so much.I love the red car too.Both need work.OK,where is the money tree??
I thought of trading both in,for a new one,but I can't see the point of trading the Dodge in.its a Dodge RAm 1500.Its been so handy to us,from the beginning!We have enough room in it,we all fit,Me billy,and the 3 girls.If stephanie was here,it would not work.
The Van,is a lifesaver.I am SO gratefull for it.Its something I take care of,and clean as much as possible.I couldn't believe when my brother,I know he meant well...said "Look at your van"..your seat.LOL the seat has an insert for the head.I took it off to adjust the car seat (cause we took it out to put it in his van) LOL
It had a SLow leak in the one tire,which I found out it had a screw in it.Not the end of the world.:) Me and Billy put TWO new tires in the front...the van only has 30K miles..and allready has two new tires.I want to get the bump fixed,where my mom hit another car(well the WIND did it..Not HER...and she is not strong enough to grab it in time,due to her pain in her shoulder...:( My poor mom.
I'm still in pain myself.I can't stand it.
Ok..OFF I go..to the phone,and to the paperwork!It has to be mailed out today or tomorrow latest!
DUE to the pain,she is home from school today.
Anybody know anything about this??ANY RANDOM READER?I am going to "tag" this,in hopes of answers.I know the Dentist will know(SIGH) so off to the dentist we shall be going.
I have to call first,of course.This is what I'm about to do.
I also have to Sign all the papers for the car insurance.Second thing on my list today.What is my husband doing right now?Playing in FACEBOOK!LOL..he found his marching band from wayyy back whennnn the days he was a little boy!How neat is that,so right now he is excited.Brianna is whiney.Lauren is walking around with ONE side pony tail,(one of the rare times I do her hair that way).It looks SO cute,and I'm a lil surprised it fits.When she got her hair cut,they cut a little over an inch.The beautician says it will make her hair stronger!
I miss my family.My parents.In spain there is a fire.I'm surprised I am not hearing from my mom.I really wish we had a home phone,but we dont.It would make a huge difference in hearing from her.We can't have a 200$ cell phone bill than top it off with a 50$ home phone bill.Its not going to happen.Something will have to go..and the cell phones aren't.Cell phones,at this momment is more convinient,we each have our own phone.Who would've thought days would've came to this,individual phones for individual people?Their own sleek designs and whatever!I feel like I am missing an arm,when I accidentally leave my phone behind lol!
Last.I am looking foward to Easter.:) There is also a few egghunts,and whatever going on in my town.Plus a breakfast with the bunny!!
First I have to make sure Brianna is well.
Oh Billy wants to get the TRUCK back on the insurance(NOW?AFTER ALL THE WORK I DID??)...I told him we have to have TWO cars in the insurance,why THREE?Its expensive,yanno,car insruance in NJ??lol..So I suggest leave the truck be,fix it when the red car dies.!The truck is LOW miles,and we paid LOTS of money for it.It needs MILD things done to it!:) I love that truck so much.I love the red car too.Both need work.OK,where is the money tree??
I thought of trading both in,for a new one,but I can't see the point of trading the Dodge in.its a Dodge RAm 1500.Its been so handy to us,from the beginning!We have enough room in it,we all fit,Me billy,and the 3 girls.If stephanie was here,it would not work.
The Van,is a lifesaver.I am SO gratefull for it.Its something I take care of,and clean as much as possible.I couldn't believe when my brother,I know he meant well...said "Look at your van"..your seat.LOL the seat has an insert for the head.I took it off to adjust the car seat (cause we took it out to put it in his van) LOL
It had a SLow leak in the one tire,which I found out it had a screw in it.Not the end of the world.:) Me and Billy put TWO new tires in the front...the van only has 30K miles..and allready has two new tires.I want to get the bump fixed,where my mom hit another car(well the WIND did it..Not HER...and she is not strong enough to grab it in time,due to her pain in her shoulder...:( My poor mom.
I'm still in pain myself.I can't stand it.
Ok..OFF I go..to the phone,and to the paperwork!It has to be mailed out today or tomorrow latest!
Briannas party was wonderful!
Praise the Lord.God had EVERY THING to do with it.He KNEW what she needed and boy she got it.She went through the day Happy,thinking of nothing sad,and enjoyed her day completely!
What was I THINKING??Inviting adults?ROFL..next time it will be CHILDRENS party,and ADULT/FAMILY party!ALL the kids,where would I have time to sit for tea?LOL!
The slideshow is below,and Thanks Babe(Billy),for everything!I know you thanked me,but in reality,we did it together!
SMOOCHES!
AND AGAIN..happy birthday to brianna!
What was I THINKING??Inviting adults?ROFL..next time it will be CHILDRENS party,and ADULT/FAMILY party!ALL the kids,where would I have time to sit for tea?LOL!
The slideshow is below,and Thanks Babe(Billy),for everything!I know you thanked me,but in reality,we did it together!
SMOOCHES!
AND AGAIN..happy birthday to brianna!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
DO NOT USE THIS ON YOUR FAMILY:(
THIS is SOOO why I am into CLoth Diapers,and NAtural Organic items.Just awfu awful how they are pricey!
Lauren LOVES organic peanut butter,and so does Brianna.She tells me "Jonas (nick??) LOVES orgaic peanut butter LOL so it was a success!I'm going to not get the other kind anymore.
The story below is downright FRIGTENING!
AND top it off,do you know that AUTISM was 1 in 2000 1o yrs ago,and NOW its 1 in 89 children??
WHY??
:(
http://news.aol.com/health/article/carcinogens-found-in-kids-bath-products/381717
March 13) -- Many children's bath products contain chemicals that may cause cancer and skin allergies, according to a report released Thursday by the Campaign for Safe Cosmetics.
Twenty-three of 28 products tested contained formaldehyde, the report says. Formaldehyde — considered a probable carcinogen by the Environmental Protection Agency, — is released as preservatives break down over time in a container.
Lauren LOVES organic peanut butter,and so does Brianna.She tells me "Jonas (nick??) LOVES orgaic peanut butter LOL so it was a success!I'm going to not get the other kind anymore.
The story below is downright FRIGTENING!
AND top it off,do you know that AUTISM was 1 in 2000 1o yrs ago,and NOW its 1 in 89 children??
WHY??
:(
http://news.aol.com/health/article/carcinogens-found-in-kids-bath-products/381717
March 13) -- Many children's bath products contain chemicals that may cause cancer and skin allergies, according to a report released Thursday by the Campaign for Safe Cosmetics.
Twenty-three of 28 products tested contained formaldehyde, the report says. Formaldehyde — considered a probable carcinogen by the Environmental Protection Agency, — is released as preservatives break down over time in a container.
ME..Definate..PANIC attacks..wonder why though?
This is me to the T..& There are days upon days I do NOT leave the house,and than days I DO leave the house.There are nights I stay up my heart POUNDING Off my chest,AM i having a heart attack?I should really join a Panic Attack Support Group.Its not per se ANXIETY,its Definately MORE SO PANIC Attacks.
Its bought by stress.I recall as a child,having them,mildly,thinking of how much trouble I'll get into.SOmething set it off,genetically or what,I have No idea.Here is me,who was NEVER scared of a THING,now Find myself shutting a world shut around me cause the panic,anxiety just freaks me out.It started again,when Steve started with Stephanie,me having to defend our every single thing of our lives.Me having to defend US.IT was just too much.Call me weak I guess.I know I am tough,to a large degree,however,(Oh man btw,Lauren is trying to grab my CELL phone,Imagine,she allready called EMERGENCY lol)..NOT AGAIN nooooo way!
WELL..OFF I GO before I go into a major panic mode ha!
The most essential thing to learn about panic attacks are the experience of panic itself. Once it happens, a person's life changes dramatically. Panic attacks bring on the fastest and most complex changes known in the human body. It is experienced as overwhelming, uncontrollable dread, as if one is terribly ill, about to die or lose one's mind. It drastically changes the the functioning of major glands, heart, lungs, stomach, intestines, pancreas, kidneys, bladder, eyes, and the largest muscle groups. Even violent poisons or traumatic injuries have less effect. A cascade of stimulants and hormones - adrenaline, epinephrine, glycogen, cortical, norepinephrine, among others - flood all the cells of the body via the bloodstream. The impulse is to run, get out, or hide.
The immediate cause is believing one is trapped and helpless, by some overwhelming threat. While panic can happen as a consequence of crime or disaster, it doesn't matter whether the threat is real. Often, panic happens after several weeks or months of stress. It happens more often with persons who are very worried, perfectionist, socially avoidant, or who have had abuse in childhood. Heredity may play some part. What keeps panic going, and getting more intense and frequent, is worrying excessively about it and strenuously avoiding situations that appear to bring panic . Look up Signs and Symptoms of Panic Disorder for more details.
Panic attacks masquerade as a variety of medical disorders. Panic mimics some medical conditions almost completely, causing years of misdiagnosis. These are hypoglycemia, complex partial seizures, drug effects, heart arrhythmia and hyperventilation syndrome. Panic partly mimics others: angina, asthma, irritable bowel, colitis, vertigo, mitral valve prolapse, post concussion syndrome, hypertension, postural hypotension, and hiatal hernia. Almost everyone who panics believes they have a serious physical illness, and go from doctor to doctor for several years as symptoms shift. Yet panic is easily diagnosed by professionals experienced in panic.
About 7.2% of all adults, or 1 in 15, have a panic disorder which is a primary part of their disorder, (NIH, 1993). In any given year, about 1/3 of American adults have at least one panic attack; most of these adults never develop repeated panic attacks. This startling data means that a phobia/panic disorder is the most common emotional disorder, more common than alcohol abuse or depression. Phobia/panic disorder also has the lowest rates for seeking help and finding it, about 22%. Phobia is the most common and the most hidden condition at the same time.
After a few months of panic, about 10% of people become housebound and unable to leave home alone. After a few years, about 30% of panic sufferers have a loss of job, pay or job responsibilities. Some 17% are at risk for alcoholism and about 40% risk a chronic depression as life opportunities are cut off. A majority have marital problems and much reduced travel and social life. The economic cost has been estimated at about $2600/year in misdirected treatment, and about $12,000 a year in lowered job earnings. For most, panic closes life off like a prison.
Its bought by stress.I recall as a child,having them,mildly,thinking of how much trouble I'll get into.SOmething set it off,genetically or what,I have No idea.Here is me,who was NEVER scared of a THING,now Find myself shutting a world shut around me cause the panic,anxiety just freaks me out.It started again,when Steve started with Stephanie,me having to defend our every single thing of our lives.Me having to defend US.IT was just too much.Call me weak I guess.I know I am tough,to a large degree,however,(Oh man btw,Lauren is trying to grab my CELL phone,Imagine,she allready called EMERGENCY lol)..NOT AGAIN nooooo way!
WELL..OFF I GO before I go into a major panic mode ha!
The most essential thing to learn about panic attacks are the experience of panic itself. Once it happens, a person's life changes dramatically. Panic attacks bring on the fastest and most complex changes known in the human body. It is experienced as overwhelming, uncontrollable dread, as if one is terribly ill, about to die or lose one's mind. It drastically changes the the functioning of major glands, heart, lungs, stomach, intestines, pancreas, kidneys, bladder, eyes, and the largest muscle groups. Even violent poisons or traumatic injuries have less effect. A cascade of stimulants and hormones - adrenaline, epinephrine, glycogen, cortical, norepinephrine, among others - flood all the cells of the body via the bloodstream. The impulse is to run, get out, or hide.
The immediate cause is believing one is trapped and helpless, by some overwhelming threat. While panic can happen as a consequence of crime or disaster, it doesn't matter whether the threat is real. Often, panic happens after several weeks or months of stress. It happens more often with persons who are very worried, perfectionist, socially avoidant, or who have had abuse in childhood. Heredity may play some part. What keeps panic going, and getting more intense and frequent, is worrying excessively about it and strenuously avoiding situations that appear to bring panic . Look up Signs and Symptoms of Panic Disorder for more details.
Panic attacks masquerade as a variety of medical disorders. Panic mimics some medical conditions almost completely, causing years of misdiagnosis. These are hypoglycemia, complex partial seizures, drug effects, heart arrhythmia and hyperventilation syndrome. Panic partly mimics others: angina, asthma, irritable bowel, colitis, vertigo, mitral valve prolapse, post concussion syndrome, hypertension, postural hypotension, and hiatal hernia. Almost everyone who panics believes they have a serious physical illness, and go from doctor to doctor for several years as symptoms shift. Yet panic is easily diagnosed by professionals experienced in panic.
About 7.2% of all adults, or 1 in 15, have a panic disorder which is a primary part of their disorder, (NIH, 1993). In any given year, about 1/3 of American adults have at least one panic attack; most of these adults never develop repeated panic attacks. This startling data means that a phobia/panic disorder is the most common emotional disorder, more common than alcohol abuse or depression. Phobia/panic disorder also has the lowest rates for seeking help and finding it, about 22%. Phobia is the most common and the most hidden condition at the same time.
After a few months of panic, about 10% of people become housebound and unable to leave home alone. After a few years, about 30% of panic sufferers have a loss of job, pay or job responsibilities. Some 17% are at risk for alcoholism and about 40% risk a chronic depression as life opportunities are cut off. A majority have marital problems and much reduced travel and social life. The economic cost has been estimated at about $2600/year in misdirected treatment, and about $12,000 a year in lowered job earnings. For most, panic closes life off like a prison.
RANDOM..THEN and NOW!
Here is me,with my SOUL mate.Whether anybody knows it or not..this man,is truley my soul mate!We are MORE alike,than anybody can imagine!I love you Billy..and I love how we stand by each other.I adore how you Agree with me,and I agree with you.We are tight,friends,and I don't know wat i' d do if he ever hurt me.!Everybody Hurt me in some way or another..Lies...Favortism...Hurt...You name it.I mean everybody.There is not anybody out there,who hasn't.Billy hasn't been perfect,nobody is,I realize that!That goes for everybody!
Look at Brianna and Ashley.This was one of my BEST WEEKENDS IN MY LIFE!I wonder if Billy knows this,how much it meant to me!I am stunned just looking how much my girls grew,this is a few years ago..just two simple summers ago.i was able to sleep and wake up,without pain.Look at them,Look at Ashley,so tanned and playing a game with Brianna who is so SWEET!I miss these times..I miss them with a passion.Times of not being JUDGED,my LITTLE BREAK of the Judgemental period!
Above is Lauren,poor baby!Now mommy is in PAIN,and Physical Pain is the worst!Not to mention EMOTIONAL,PAIN on top of it!I have to turn the switches off,and not allow people to just HURT me repeatedly!:(
BRIANNA inthe PAst
JULY 4th weekend.Life was a lot better back then.I had NO pain..I miss it.:) Brianna was small..so cute,:) pretty soon Lauren(next summer or so)..she'll fit into those clothes:) YEPPIE!
here is miss Brianna!Miss Independant,miss smartypants,miss Leader!She rules the roost!LOL
I love gymboree,so Of course,she has the one outfit I ADORE in one of the pictures.Miami Vacation...Lauren will get to wear it....I have BOXES upon BOXES of stuff up in the attic.I cannot believe I"M TYPINg.I suppose LATER ON I'll run all over shopping!Ugh!The other picture she is inher lil car at home:) LOL a custom home made outfit:) wonder what happened to those mamas?
Hurts.After Hurts...After Hurts..
One..Everything that Stresses or upsets me of course has to do with the people I love the most~!
I try to make everybody happy yet its never ever good enough.
I am honest,I dislike lies.I am tired of them.I am who I am,I would do ANYTHING I could for somebody who needs it.I am NOT a bad person,I know this.I love PEOPLE,and I can sit here and CRY,and yet nobody will know.Maybe i'm in the "nobody cares" mood.I cannot expect them to care.Its been the way its been since I was much younger I suppose....
I struggle,yet everybody is blind about it.I do not not let nobody know,when things are SO bad in the dumps...the pain I'm going through physically.Its nobodys business,because I am old enough to suffer on my OWN.
I honestly can't even TALK about it.I tried to see a psych,but it was just too tough,so I stopped.
My online friends,bless their hearts...they have their own problems.I can't even Blab about everythign because I've been busy and i do not want to just come on and blab about everything.Sometimes a debate goes on,and I hate when things that bother me turn into a debate,and I'm embarrassed in a way to talk to so many people about deep issues...I can write about everything but about my feelings,and things,I may go on OPEN DIARY and write there!
People all do things,this doesnt bother me(my online friends),they've been a source of support for the past few years.I SERIOUSLY DO NOT KNOW what I'd ever ever do without them!Thank you OSO much mamas for being there for me.(You girls know who you are).The AUGUST moms,I am saddened about.I lost touch with them.Maybe its because I stopped being myself,I know the March moms are probably wondering....There is just SO much pain inside,that I cover it up with HAPPY GO LUCKY EMAILS!LOL
I have my IRL friends that I love dearly too!!I have TWO friends,that I tell almost everything to....and even then,One in particular turns everything about her.Once that happens,I shut down everything about me,and it goes deeper and deeper and deeper.Does this make sense?lol..I know nobody will read this(I DOUBT IT)...but if anybody does..I'm sure it'll make sense:) I HOPE!
I am very gratefull for many things.My children.My parents,My dad who got my the VAN.However,I feel GUILT THERE.Long story.TREMENDOUS GUILT,and than I get hit with the "YOU"LL NEVER OWN ANOTHER THING LIKE IT AGAIN TAKE CARE OF IT"....
Ok,I am.Things are so twisted its nuts.I hate life.I really do.I do not know why I cannot be happy like everybody else???
I am not going to post "HERE" things thats happening.I think I'm going to open a private diary.THere will be a place,or person that will be opening it up.There are things that I know,that I do not speak of.There are feelings that I have,that nobody knows about.There are things in my life,that I keep to myself.
I suffer in senses,that nobody will understand.i do not tell nobody nothing,because bottom line,NOBODY can help.I was like this since i was like 15 plus yrs old.I will never reveal it,and It will not be known till the day I spill it out.
My best friend,is my husband.He suffers too.Maybe its the boohoo woe is me,LoL,that bounds us together so closely.He however,where I love and look for acceptance and am met with lies,and Dissapointments about "ME'...he gets to the point where he wonders why ever try.He man feels nobody cares.We built the house,and IT STILL needs work,and NOBODY HELPED US EVER!Oh well,such is life.
I have to say,I like little wrapped gifts.Not that I DESERVE them...So must be why I NEVER get them!OTHER people do...but not me!EVERYBODY DOES!
Its pretty shitty when you feel that way.I have to say.The WORSE is when people think,or assume I have money.Thats a JOKE!LOL.I am planning on going back to school.I cannot wait for that.I've been a good mother,this I know.I love my children VERY much.I'm SADDENED that I DID NOT get to raise my oldest.This is the truth.I did NOT get to raise her.She was SNUFFED from me.I raised her for 7 yrs,and than she has not lived with me since then.Not full time
I do not know what the insults about my child not liking to go to ccd(SHE IS NOW 7 yrs 2 days old).She runs out of there.She for some reason unknown to me,gets panic attacks there.
Is that important??Whats important..that she goes.Panic Attacks or not.OR "Somebody" will be "PISSED OFF"(QUOTE UNQOUTE).Yet,this is my baby,my child,who holds my hands begging not to go.I do not understand,yet I seen her RUN,hysterical,OUT into the STREET and almost get hit by a car because she DOES NOT want to go.Can somebody help me figure this out.??
yes I am her mother.Yes She should listen.However,if you know Brianna,she is headstrong,and just how she is.She is very upset,beyond understanding why people who LOVE her,ran off SO far away.
I do not understand either.I have an almost 20 yr old daughter who is pregnant.I get a TXT message of "How I REFUSED to send 20$"..which is not a big deal.The BIG deal is for years upon years,we were told to "back off"...& I did the best umm I could.She did not want to be iwith me.I am so tired,if people want to UNOWN ME..go RIGHT ahead.I feel I will beat everybody to the grave regardless!
Spoiling people,Favortism,Ignoring a grandchild COMPLETELY(aka Ashley Rose)...pretty much,things like that do not make me a happy person.I miss my grandmother,she showed me LOVE.PURE L O V E!
Nothing Beats that!No lies,no bullshit,No what a horrible horrendous mother I am.I wish BILLY would put the house up for sale so I CAN LEAVE.
My dad n me,have such an ODD relationship.People talk about how my daughter doesn't have a father.I have a father.She had TWO fathers.I do not understand that concept.SHe has Two,not just fathers,but "DADDIES".They did EVERYTHING EVERYTHING (AND SHE KNOWS IT)..she could've asked for!
I am a HUGE dissapointment to everybody.Including MYSELF,I suppose its contagious.
Its time for me to post HONEST posts,nobody reads these anyways.I have to move and get my hearing aid battery.I had to WAIT to get it,and now I am off to get it.
UGH my lower back as I'm sitting is hurting SO fierce.I need another MRI.There is something wrong.i cannot STAND,I cannot SIT.I cannot SLEEP which is AWFUL.I am leaving,the pain right now is an 8.a 9 is when I cry..and a 10 is when I cannot move.
It feels seriously,like I have a terminal illness.Its NOT normal.Billy has around 5 disc bulgs,and herniation and ONE fracture.HE MOVES better than ME.SOMETHING is wrong..and I refuse refuse to take anythig for it,because I KNOW they just ruin the mind!:(
Grr..LIFE!It can be SO painfull!Inside and OUT!
I pray tomorrow is a NICER day.Brianna will have NO grandparents,here,NOT much family here...but she'll have US.THats matters lots.They enjoy being with us.They can be disciplined accordingly,and I don' have people FREAKING out!Whatever it may be!When i ws young and got disciplined,it was between ME and my FAMILY.I didn't go run off to another place to stay!And than have the OK to do whatever I felt.I wonder why stephanie is so angry.I can see why!:(
We are two sides of the same coin.She doesn't realize it,not yet,but someday SHE WILL.
LATERS..off to get batteries!
THIS PROBABLY DOESN"T MAKE SENSE..IGNORE THIS WHOLE POST!
LOL..I'm off!I wrote,changed,rewrote,and whatever is there.than there it is.This is
I try to make everybody happy yet its never ever good enough.
I am honest,I dislike lies.I am tired of them.I am who I am,I would do ANYTHING I could for somebody who needs it.I am NOT a bad person,I know this.I love PEOPLE,and I can sit here and CRY,and yet nobody will know.Maybe i'm in the "nobody cares" mood.I cannot expect them to care.Its been the way its been since I was much younger I suppose....
I struggle,yet everybody is blind about it.I do not not let nobody know,when things are SO bad in the dumps...the pain I'm going through physically.Its nobodys business,because I am old enough to suffer on my OWN.
I honestly can't even TALK about it.I tried to see a psych,but it was just too tough,so I stopped.
My online friends,bless their hearts...they have their own problems.I can't even Blab about everythign because I've been busy and i do not want to just come on and blab about everything.Sometimes a debate goes on,and I hate when things that bother me turn into a debate,and I'm embarrassed in a way to talk to so many people about deep issues...I can write about everything but about my feelings,and things,I may go on OPEN DIARY and write there!
People all do things,this doesnt bother me(my online friends),they've been a source of support for the past few years.I SERIOUSLY DO NOT KNOW what I'd ever ever do without them!Thank you OSO much mamas for being there for me.(You girls know who you are).The AUGUST moms,I am saddened about.I lost touch with them.Maybe its because I stopped being myself,I know the March moms are probably wondering....There is just SO much pain inside,that I cover it up with HAPPY GO LUCKY EMAILS!LOL
I have my IRL friends that I love dearly too!!I have TWO friends,that I tell almost everything to....and even then,One in particular turns everything about her.Once that happens,I shut down everything about me,and it goes deeper and deeper and deeper.Does this make sense?lol..I know nobody will read this(I DOUBT IT)...but if anybody does..I'm sure it'll make sense:) I HOPE!
I am very gratefull for many things.My children.My parents,My dad who got my the VAN.However,I feel GUILT THERE.Long story.TREMENDOUS GUILT,and than I get hit with the "YOU"LL NEVER OWN ANOTHER THING LIKE IT AGAIN TAKE CARE OF IT"....
Ok,I am.Things are so twisted its nuts.I hate life.I really do.I do not know why I cannot be happy like everybody else???
I am not going to post "HERE" things thats happening.I think I'm going to open a private diary.THere will be a place,or person that will be opening it up.There are things that I know,that I do not speak of.There are feelings that I have,that nobody knows about.There are things in my life,that I keep to myself.
I suffer in senses,that nobody will understand.i do not tell nobody nothing,because bottom line,NOBODY can help.I was like this since i was like 15 plus yrs old.I will never reveal it,and It will not be known till the day I spill it out.
My best friend,is my husband.He suffers too.Maybe its the boohoo woe is me,LoL,that bounds us together so closely.He however,where I love and look for acceptance and am met with lies,and Dissapointments about "ME'...he gets to the point where he wonders why ever try.He man feels nobody cares.We built the house,and IT STILL needs work,and NOBODY HELPED US EVER!Oh well,such is life.
I have to say,I like little wrapped gifts.Not that I DESERVE them...So must be why I NEVER get them!OTHER people do...but not me!EVERYBODY DOES!
Its pretty shitty when you feel that way.I have to say.The WORSE is when people think,or assume I have money.Thats a JOKE!LOL.I am planning on going back to school.I cannot wait for that.I've been a good mother,this I know.I love my children VERY much.I'm SADDENED that I DID NOT get to raise my oldest.This is the truth.I did NOT get to raise her.She was SNUFFED from me.I raised her for 7 yrs,and than she has not lived with me since then.Not full time
I do not know what the insults about my child not liking to go to ccd(SHE IS NOW 7 yrs 2 days old).She runs out of there.She for some reason unknown to me,gets panic attacks there.
Is that important??Whats important..that she goes.Panic Attacks or not.OR "Somebody" will be "PISSED OFF"(QUOTE UNQOUTE).Yet,this is my baby,my child,who holds my hands begging not to go.I do not understand,yet I seen her RUN,hysterical,OUT into the STREET and almost get hit by a car because she DOES NOT want to go.Can somebody help me figure this out.??
yes I am her mother.Yes She should listen.However,if you know Brianna,she is headstrong,and just how she is.She is very upset,beyond understanding why people who LOVE her,ran off SO far away.
I do not understand either.I have an almost 20 yr old daughter who is pregnant.I get a TXT message of "How I REFUSED to send 20$"..which is not a big deal.The BIG deal is for years upon years,we were told to "back off"...& I did the best umm I could.She did not want to be iwith me.I am so tired,if people want to UNOWN ME..go RIGHT ahead.I feel I will beat everybody to the grave regardless!
Spoiling people,Favortism,Ignoring a grandchild COMPLETELY(aka Ashley Rose)...pretty much,things like that do not make me a happy person.I miss my grandmother,she showed me LOVE.PURE L O V E!
Nothing Beats that!No lies,no bullshit,No what a horrible horrendous mother I am.I wish BILLY would put the house up for sale so I CAN LEAVE.
My dad n me,have such an ODD relationship.People talk about how my daughter doesn't have a father.I have a father.She had TWO fathers.I do not understand that concept.SHe has Two,not just fathers,but "DADDIES".They did EVERYTHING EVERYTHING (AND SHE KNOWS IT)..she could've asked for!
I am a HUGE dissapointment to everybody.Including MYSELF,I suppose its contagious.
Its time for me to post HONEST posts,nobody reads these anyways.I have to move and get my hearing aid battery.I had to WAIT to get it,and now I am off to get it.
UGH my lower back as I'm sitting is hurting SO fierce.I need another MRI.There is something wrong.i cannot STAND,I cannot SIT.I cannot SLEEP which is AWFUL.I am leaving,the pain right now is an 8.a 9 is when I cry..and a 10 is when I cannot move.
It feels seriously,like I have a terminal illness.Its NOT normal.Billy has around 5 disc bulgs,and herniation and ONE fracture.HE MOVES better than ME.SOMETHING is wrong..and I refuse refuse to take anythig for it,because I KNOW they just ruin the mind!:(
Grr..LIFE!It can be SO painfull!Inside and OUT!
I pray tomorrow is a NICER day.Brianna will have NO grandparents,here,NOT much family here...but she'll have US.THats matters lots.They enjoy being with us.They can be disciplined accordingly,and I don' have people FREAKING out!Whatever it may be!When i ws young and got disciplined,it was between ME and my FAMILY.I didn't go run off to another place to stay!And than have the OK to do whatever I felt.I wonder why stephanie is so angry.I can see why!:(
We are two sides of the same coin.She doesn't realize it,not yet,but someday SHE WILL.
LATERS..off to get batteries!
THIS PROBABLY DOESN"T MAKE SENSE..IGNORE THIS WHOLE POST!
LOL..I'm off!I wrote,changed,rewrote,and whatever is there.than there it is.This is
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Oh MY BABY is SEVEN!
TODAY Miss Brianna is SEVEn years old!I am in awe.This morning I got up after a HORRIBLE night of sleep.I had dreams that made NO sense.Its like having a past life dream.Very strange,I was in a jungle.Anyhow,me never seeing a jungle being in one so clearly was a bit strange.
I wake up,and look at the cupcakes.I see her two toothless smile,it always melts my heart.I love this,her singing yesterday a song that she heard in school and her missing two front teeth and then some.SO cute.I thought back,to when I first got to see her.She was born at 11:48am.My mother and Billy were in the room with me.She was such an exceptional baby.So beautiful too.She still is.She is so so stubborn which is a good thing in a way.She has to have her own way,a leader of sorts.She acts like she has to repeat everything to us,even though we heard and understood the FIRST time.LOL she acts like she is SO much smarter than everybody,and we have to listen.Its pretty cool,it may be annoying when it happens but overall,it shows she has so much self confidence in HERSELF.I worry that she will not rely on anybody to help her,lead her in any way.For example,even her HAIR.She LOVES her big sisters,and NOBODY can change her mind.The child wants her hair DOWN(no bows(SIGH)...and She is trying to grow out her bangs.SO unique...She'll say "MOMMY,LAUREN LOOKS SO CUTE TODAY"..and I tell her,WELL,its this brand of clothes,I'll buy it for you TOO..she however shakes her head and likes herself just the way she is.So she has her own flair.
Anyhow,This Saturday is her Birthday party.I'm getting confirmations from her friends at school.I would love some family members and friends.I will be happy as long as she IS happy.When she gets home,its going to be FUN.She has some gifts,and my mom is sending her something from the florist.Its Briannas 7th Birthday.WE LOVE HER sooo MUCH.She is loved by Everybody!!!There truley is NOBODY like Brianna anywhere.I know everybody is unique but she just totally "HERSELF".LOL.
I have a BRAGGIGN momment!She writes!I discovered,accidentally that she is writing Lyrics!Where did this come from?One lyrics blew my mind,written by a (then) six year old girl.Her spelling is almost perfect.Her lyrics however,its from her mind.What a confident little girl,the one song showed that.SHe is a CHARMER.She giggles,has temper tantrums,Cries sometimes over nothing,VERY sensitive.
VERY good in school.Excellent reader on top of writing.Her teacher wrote down on her report card,and endless notes of Brianna is such a Writer!
Time shall tell!At the momment,I'm flourishing in the memories of Brianna.Walking up N down our block at 6pm till 8pm till she stopped crying.Yes,she was my colicy one out of ALL the girls!She cried the most.She is the most Loudest,the most independant,yet sensitive one as well.So CUTE:)
I LOVE YOU BRIANNA GRACE!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
One Beautiful Tuesday Morning...
I am sitting here,I hear the RugRats behind me(the tv show,not the kids lol).THey are in school.WHen Brianna is at school its sorta quiet here.Lauren LOVES when Brianna is home,they tend to be loud together.ALL the time.I actually turn my hearing aid off when that happens!
The Pictures I inserted,are actually from my BB phone!LOL...I sent it via email and whalla there it is,a MOBILE picture!Not the best!This weekend It was so nice,I took the girls to the park.:) (story below)!;)
Anyways,There is so much going on,It makes my head spin.I have things to do,places to go,people to see.Some of my biggest thoughts lately surround Stephanie and her pregnancy.She is doing well enough,Just taking one day at a time.I was pretty stunned to be honest.I worry & she tells me not to.So I'll try.
Next,is my sister in law and brother.They are also having a baby,(Make that BABIES)..lol..they are having TWINS.That is amazing!Twins,in the family sounds so refreshing.:) I look foward to the babies thats for sure!
I am trying to maintain the house,we have Briannas party coming up on the 21st!!She will be SEVEN!That went by fast.I keep saying that SOOO I'll try to refrain from saying it.."WHERE DID THE TIME GO" lol!SHe has invited many friends,and we're inviting family members!This is it,than on AUGUST we'll have Laurens party.
I am looking foward to SPRING!Than SUMMER.IT was AWESOME this weekend,we turned the clocks ahead one hour!We were at the park(I have pictures to upload),and the girls had so much fun.It was 6:30(which is now 7:30) before we came home,and still daylight!I actually can NOT wait for summer!Its my favorite time of the year!This year we'll be able to swim right away:) We have our pool set up from when we bought it last summer!!Yay!!!
MY parents are in Spain,we miss them very much.Nothing I can do.I"m surprised they are missing the twins pregnancy and birth.Just as I was when they missed Laurens.I suppose the country is very important to them.I laugh when my mom thinks things,because she is just NOT here.Oye!
I would like to move myself.God will have us move when he feels its our time to move out.
WEll,Nothing much to post.I am going to ck the mailbox for some gymboree clothing for the girls.I grabbed Brianna some sneakers and flip flops this weekend for the nicer weather.
TODAY:
I have to clean upstairs.VACUUM,and sort through the clothes.That will take HOURS.Its so nice out,I'd rather just take Lauren to Lauras house and spend the day on her deck relaxing:)
I know once I get the clothes sorted,I'll feel SO much better!
I also want to go to Home Depot with Billy..soon!Before the party,the parlor and bathroom is going to be 100% redone!
I also have to get Ileannas shower together.I asked her mom,if its going to be here,there,club,where?LOL.I need to talk with people!If I am doing this myself,I need to know!I doubt it,because its her daughter,and there is another godmother.These are TWINS that are coming,ONE baby needs ENOUGH stuff..TWINS need double!That means DOUBLE everything!
WELL,I will call them today,and I have to talk to the other Godmother as well!I wish people would contact me....I hate being in the dark!I am allready stressed to the T.(Stephanie,and Life as it is,Bills,etc.).Billy is off work,and I'm so sick to my stomach,when will he be back FULL TIME??Grrr.
Brianna keeps getting her wheezy cough,Not sure why though!!!
I need to get off the PC,Its PUTTING me to sleep lol!
LATERS!
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