Hurts.After Hurts...After Hurts..

One..Everything that Stresses or upsets me of course has to do with the people I love the most~!
I try to make everybody happy yet its never ever good enough.
I am honest,I dislike lies.I am tired of them.I am who I am,I would do ANYTHING I could for somebody who needs it.I am NOT a bad person,I know this.I love PEOPLE,and I can sit here and CRY,and yet nobody will know.Maybe i'm in the "nobody cares" mood.I cannot expect them to care.Its been the way its been since I was much younger I suppose....

I struggle,yet everybody is blind about it.I do not not let nobody know,when things are SO bad in the dumps...the pain I'm going through physically.Its nobodys business,because I am old enough to suffer on my OWN.
I honestly can't even TALK about it.I tried to see a psych,but it was just too tough,so I stopped.
My online friends,bless their hearts...they have their own problems.I can't even Blab about everythign because I've been busy and i do not want to just come on and blab about everything.Sometimes a debate goes on,and I hate when things that bother me turn into a debate,and I'm embarrassed in a way to talk to so many people about deep issues...I can write about everything but about my feelings,and things,I may go on OPEN DIARY and write there!
People all do things,this doesnt bother me(my online friends),they've been a source of support for the past few years.I SERIOUSLY DO NOT KNOW what I'd ever ever do without them!Thank you OSO much mamas for being there for me.(You girls know who you are).The AUGUST moms,I am saddened about.I lost touch with them.Maybe its because I stopped being myself,I know the March moms are probably wondering....There is just SO much pain inside,that I cover it up with HAPPY GO LUCKY EMAILS!LOL
I have my IRL friends that I love dearly too!!I have TWO friends,that I tell almost everything to....and even then,One in particular turns everything about her.Once that happens,I shut down everything about me,and it goes deeper and deeper and deeper.Does this make sense?lol..I know nobody will read this(I DOUBT IT)...but if anybody does..I'm sure it'll make sense:) I HOPE!
I am very gratefull for many things.My children.My parents,My dad who got my the VAN.However,I feel GUILT THERE.Long story.TREMENDOUS GUILT,and than I get hit with the "YOU"LL NEVER OWN ANOTHER THING LIKE IT AGAIN TAKE CARE OF IT"....
Ok,I am.Things are so twisted its nuts.I hate life.I really do.I do not know why I cannot be happy like everybody else???
I am not going to post "HERE" things thats happening.I think I'm going to open a private diary.THere will be a place,or person that will be opening it up.There are things that I know,that I do not speak of.There are feelings that I have,that nobody knows about.There are things in my life,that I keep to myself.
I suffer in senses,that nobody will understand.i do not tell nobody nothing,because bottom line,NOBODY can help.I was like this since i was like 15 plus yrs old.I will never reveal it,and It will not be known till the day I spill it out.
My best friend,is my husband.He suffers too.Maybe its the boohoo woe is me,LoL,that bounds us together so closely.He however,where I love and look for acceptance and am met with lies,and Dissapointments about "ME'...he gets to the point where he wonders why ever try.He man feels nobody cares.We built the house,and IT STILL needs work,and NOBODY HELPED US EVER!Oh well,such is life.
I have to say,I like little wrapped gifts.Not that I DESERVE them...So must be why I NEVER get them!OTHER people do...but not me!EVERYBODY DOES!
Its pretty shitty when you feel that way.I have to say.The WORSE is when people think,or assume I have money.Thats a JOKE!LOL.I am planning on going back to school.I cannot wait for that.I've been a good mother,this I know.I love my children VERY much.I'm SADDENED that I DID NOT get to raise my oldest.This is the truth.I did NOT get to raise her.She was SNUFFED from me.I raised her for 7 yrs,and than she has not lived with me since then.Not full time

I do not know what the insults about my child not liking to go to ccd(SHE IS NOW 7 yrs 2 days old).She runs out of there.She for some reason unknown to me,gets panic attacks there.
Is that important??Whats important..that she goes.Panic Attacks or not.OR "Somebody" will be "PISSED OFF"(QUOTE UNQOUTE).Yet,this is my baby,my child,who holds my hands begging not to go.I do not understand,yet I seen her RUN,hysterical,OUT into the STREET and almost get hit by a car because she DOES NOT want to go.Can somebody help me figure this out.??
yes I am her mother.Yes She should listen.However,if you know Brianna,she is headstrong,and just how she is.She is very upset,beyond understanding why people who LOVE her,ran off SO far away.
I do not understand either.I have an almost 20 yr old daughter who is pregnant.I get a TXT message of "How I REFUSED to send 20$"..which is not a big deal.The BIG deal is for years upon years,we were told to "back off"...& I did the best umm I could.She did not want to be iwith me.I am so tired,if people want to UNOWN ME..go RIGHT ahead.I feel I will beat everybody to the grave regardless!
Spoiling people,Favortism,Ignoring a grandchild COMPLETELY(aka Ashley Rose)...pretty much,things like that do not make me a happy person.I miss my grandmother,she showed me LOVE.PURE L O V E!
Nothing Beats that!No lies,no bullshit,No what a horrible horrendous mother I am.I wish BILLY would put the house up for sale so I CAN LEAVE.
My dad n me,have such an ODD relationship.People talk about how my daughter doesn't have a father.I have a father.She had TWO fathers.I do not understand that concept.SHe has Two,not just fathers,but "DADDIES".They did EVERYTHING EVERYTHING (AND SHE KNOWS IT)..she could've asked for!
I am a HUGE dissapointment to everybody.Including MYSELF,I suppose its contagious.
Its time for me to post HONEST posts,nobody reads these anyways.I have to move and get my hearing aid battery.I had to WAIT to get it,and now I am off to get it.
UGH my lower back as I'm sitting is hurting SO fierce.I need another MRI.There is something wrong.i cannot STAND,I cannot SIT.I cannot SLEEP which is AWFUL.I am leaving,the pain right now is an 8.a 9 is when I cry..and a 10 is when I cannot move.
It feels seriously,like I have a terminal illness.Its NOT normal.Billy has around 5 disc bulgs,and herniation and ONE fracture.HE MOVES better than ME.SOMETHING is wrong..and I refuse refuse to take anythig for it,because I KNOW they just ruin the mind!:(
Grr..LIFE!It can be SO painfull!Inside and OUT!
I pray tomorrow is a NICER day.Brianna will have NO grandparents,here,NOT much family here...but she'll have US.THats matters lots.They enjoy being with us.They can be disciplined accordingly,and I don' have people FREAKING out!Whatever it may be!When i ws young and got disciplined,it was between ME and my FAMILY.I didn't go run off to another place to stay!And than have the OK to do whatever I felt.I wonder why stephanie is so angry.I can see why!:(
We are two sides of the same coin.She doesn't realize it,not yet,but someday SHE WILL.
LATERS..off to get batteries!
THIS PROBABLY DOESN"T MAKE SENSE..IGNORE THIS WHOLE POST!
LOL..I'm off!I wrote,changed,rewrote,and whatever is there.than there it is.This is