LAURENS Birthday Is coming UP!

I cannot believe it!She is going to be TWO!Yikes!I have a lot of people that are coming,I want to keep it at 20 people more or less.I have people I want to invite,but feel funny inviting.NEXT Saturday is her party,ONE day after her birthday.MY Birthday is on Monday.Its SO neat that we're 5 days apart!LEOS LEOS lol!
Speaking of Leo's,I am unhappy today:( My grandfather is not doing well,he fell and hurt his eye.Poor man:( I hope he feels better.I pray that I get to see him again.I do not have a clue why they go to spain 6 mos out of the year.I'm seriously thinking of leaving Jersey for good.I would miss my family,which is mostly my friends:( All my friends,what would I do without them?You cannot just remake 20 plus years of friendship anywhere in the world.Speaking of friends,Ashley is at Lori's house,she spent the night with Alexis(Lori's daughter).She is calling n calling wanting to come home.I am going to get ready now,and hop over there.In the meantime i have to fix my "temporary" crown that "fell out" of my mouth.ROFL i'm lucky I didn't swallow the dang thing~:)
Our pool is kicking booty,and we're enjoying it.i have to upload pictures of the kids enjoying swimming all summer long.I skipped the ocean this week,I do NOT feel Brianna is feeling well enough to go to the ocean quite yet.Speaking of Brianna,I cannot help but think about people and calling me with so much drama!Wat the hell??First my aunt calls yelling about how "she never told me to sue"..when she was the FIRST one to tell me I should sue the hall.My mom is adamant,alot of this bickering between two sisters is making me VERY sad.As far as I'm concerned,I'm thankfull for the outpouring of "get well soon" cards I got from friends online(THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH).I have pictures of Brianna holding them.She did get a cute smily face box of cookies from the girl who spilled the water,and Brianna enjoyed it(OR should I say,lauren stole some haha)..but overall she realized that the girl was sorry.She is super smart,we went yesterday for LONG walk,just me,her and Lauren.(Nobody else home),and I LOVE the one on one talks we have.I worry because of her tiring out soo quickly.
I want her yearly check up,and make sure her lyme disease is "OK"(the blood levels).Billy sprayed the yard,we've planted more grass etc,so the yard will be looking cute for the party.I need a THEME!Talk about last minute nancy.I sent out my invitations via email..I have to call 3 people to come.
I am confused,about whether or not to go to my nephews party.I want to go,but I am not staying long.I love my cousin and his family,my aunt,but I am hurt about a few things.I guess I am very passionate about my feelings sometimes,and even though I wrote things online I wrote it in a very low point in my life.(Yes,this blogger lol)...however things got twisted.I did not do anything.Nothing to hurt anybody directly.Now things are just not the same anymore.So of course now i feel uncomfy.Not to mention,I have laurens party,and I would've had them invited,but I do not want to overwhelm people with two parties in one month for our family.So I don't but I realize thats my own fault.Not nobody else's.LOL.
I am right in the fact that A)Billy,Me,and the girls are at the bottom of the list with EVERYBODY in my family.NO DOUBT.I'm not talking about cousins lol,I'm talking about with my own parents,everybody.My mom caught it yesterday,I slipped and said "your husband is right"..She said "my husband is your father"..OOPS.So I realize I have underlying sadness,and issues with that.Billy told me that awhile ago.I ask him do you really love me?What a question,I think in theory,that is not a normal questionto ask your husband,and being the mother of his children,of course he loves me.I believe I have a phobia,of people who are close to me,not loving me.Not sure why I am like that.When I am told "I will never talk to you again'..things like that,they just trigger something inside me more and more.I heard it from my mom this week,and than my aunt this week.Ummm Hello...Maybe I am better off just letting everybody have their wish.Billy is another one this week.."I'm not coming home tonight"..THREATS..I am sick sick of it all.:(
If people knew me at all,they know that I open my doors to EVERYBODY.My heart.My life.I am going to eventually show somebody my lyrics I wrote,and poems.I have them in a journal at home.Nobody except Billy,read them.He only read a few.The day I die,somebody will get to see them all and that bothers me in a way.I write here,I know nobody really reads anything here.
Back to the topic..I guess I'm also SAD but happy,because she is turning into such a cutie pie,that Lauren is going to be TWO.I remember very well the day she was born.The people who came to see her.I remember every momment and second of that hospitol stay.We stayed for FIVE days in total,due to her Jaundice.She was such a cute baby,soooo tanned (I guess due to the jaundice).
Now she is FULL of energy,and has the Loudest scream out of all my children.My children are my everything.I know I was meant to be a mother,AND I know I am not meant to have anymore.FOUR is enough!Four is a lot.I am sad with Stephanie,I had her young,but I had Ashley young as well.With stephanie,it was like I had her,and took care of her till she hit almost age 7.:*( Than she got whisked away.It was totally unfair.Totally Wrong.Her dad apologized,yet now she is still suffering & cannot figure out how to function in this world in a 'healthy" manner.She never suffered consequences for her actions,and that is SO detrimental to a myriad of issues in her lifestyle today.Her choices,are not what would be my choices.If things do not work out in this house,she hops to the next house.If they do nto work out in NJ she runs back to florida.Than the same thing,back to New jersey.She is in my prayers soo much that I believe she will outgrow it,and settle down.
Brianna,now,I just got off the phone(AM SITTING BACK DOWN LOL).I have to head out to toms river.Maybe go swimming in lori's HUGE pool!However,I'm sorta Beat because I have to go to the dentist.I cannot run all weekend with my crown off!I cannot believe it FELL off!Of all things!Ugh.My real crown is coming in 2 weeks,so If I do not get another temporary on,I have NO idea what the result will be lol!

""LIFE IS HARD"""
I'm sure not just for me,but for everybody.We ALL have bumps in the road we have to drive slowly through.
KUDOS